Next week is my last week at the Barbara Brennan School of Healing. I still have a project to hand in and skills to pass. But If all goes well on June 11th, I will be stepping onto the stage as a 4th –year -student and walking off the stage as a Certified Brennan Healing Science Practitioner, diploma in hand. Fingers crossed!
Being so close to graduation, I am really feeling into what brought me to BBSH in the first place. As I mentioned in an earlier blog post, I had serious struggles with depression when I was young. Because of this, I needed to believe that life was bigger than what was happening at the level I perceived it at. I questioned everything.
This, my inherent quality of curiosity, and just the fact of who I am led me to anything having to do with spirituality, health, psychology, healing and energy. I used to drag my mom to metaphysical book stores. She let me. I believe she saw something in me that she did not fully understand but nurtured anyway.
I remember riding in her car when I was around 14-years old, after a trip to the bookstore. I had picked out “Light Emerging” by Barbara Brennan and was reading it to her out loud from the passenger seat. As I read, a whole new world opened to me. The book became a keyhole to a world that made sense to me.
One night, I turned to the back of the book and learned that there was an actual college that teaches about spirituality, health, psychology, healing and energy.
Curriculum at the school included studying the energy field that surrounds and interpenetrates our organs, cells, and bones. Students are taught how the Human Energy Field effects systems such as the immune and lymphatic system. The teachers at the school hold discussions on how disease is found within the Human Energy Field and how to perceive it. I read about the psychology of the HEF and how our emotions are held differently within each intricate level. Classes were held on topics such the HEF and how it affects our relationships, actions and outlook on life.
My whole system lit up reading this. I remember thinking “If I could do anything in the world I would go to that school.”
Time moved on. I didn’t forget about the school but I also didn’t let myself look at it as a serious option. “No one practical goes to a school for four years to learn energy healing,” my brain told me. I fully believed that thought too. I kept the idea in a bubble that was reserved for day dreaming. I actually told myself I would do it “in another life.” I valued what was practical and what I thought I should do. These things seemed solid to me. I kept my curiosities at bay and continued to fit myself into a box that did not include them. I felt stuck.
Later, I started seeing a Brennan Healing Science Practitioner. Working with her was a new experience from what I was use to. She saw me and not just what I struggled with. She was not on a mission to fix me. I wasn’t broken.
I actually had a few people pass through my life that went to this mystery school. It was like the universe was leaving me a crumb trail. Even while talking to someone who had gone to the school I would be thinking “I could never do that!” I’m not sure what magic I thought the other person possessed that I didn’t.
When I was 27 my mom was diagnosed with terminal pancreatic cancer. Being with her through her dying process is the hardest thing I have ever been through. Yet by letting me be by her side through it, she gave me the most beautiful gift. I saw how life is not guaranteed. I had pushed through so much of my life that I never let myself feel the impermanence of it before.
I questioned what mattered as people often do around death. I questioned my perceptions about what was solid and secure. My need to be practical did not seem so much of a need. Living a life that was meaningful to me, did. With my mom in my heart, I stepped fully into the world I had only let myself dip my toes into before.
I remember thinking the first day at BBSH that I had really stepped down the rabbit hole this time! “This is no weekend workshop,” a classmate said at lunch. And he was right. Over the next four years my world opened. I was stretched and pushed (maybe nudged, I’m still not sure) in ways I didn’t know possible. I have felt the most alive I have ever felt since starting at the school. I have also had many times of wanting to quit and run far away. I dove deep into everything I was curious about and experienced a full spectrum of emotion while doing so. I was able to ask the questions I always wondered about and be surrounded by amazing classmates who pondered the same things. I found my tribe.
By focusing on the inner feeling of what excites me and not the voice that tells me what I should do with my life, my life has deepened. It feels much more authentic to who I am. I’m not a sunshine and roses person and I do not strive to be. I have yet to use the term “love and light” in any capacity. But I love my life. It is filled with meaning and fulfillment. I feel the freedom in the possibility of being open to it all.
This experience is why I often ask my clients “Is there something you have always wanted to do but haven’t?”
Many times following what we naturally are drawn to is a key that opens us to better health and well-being on all levels (physically, emotionally, spiritually, and beyond).
I am again feeling into this awareness as I close my time at this school. As I (fingers still crossed) walk across the stage on graduation day, I will carry my mom and the gift she gave me in my heart.
During this time of transition, the advice I give to others is again the same medicine I need myself.
Take the risk and listen to what excites you. What you are curious about? What seems to keep showing up in your life? It may not make sense, or seem practical but I promise it is something to trust. You won’t know where it will take you. You won’t know how it will all work out. But these inner longings won’t lead you astray. They will lead to you to a life that is authentic for you. It’s never too late; it’s what you came for.