Working with a nasty inner voice.

Most of my clients have an inner voice that beats them up inside. It can yell at them to not be difficult, to not stand out, to stop making a big deal out of something, that it is not okay to say no. It can be nasty, calling them horrible names. 

For some, this voice screams. For others, it is a low chronic sneaky voice. In this case, a clue to its presence may be a feeling of exhaustion or a rushed adrenaline feeling in the body.

 I ask clients to check in and notice the sensations in their bodies throughout the day. Is their heart racing? Are they feeling worn out? Are they full of adrenaline? This is a time to check for the voice of the internal critic. 

What is this internal voice? It is not the same for everyone.  It can be an internalized voice of a caregiver, society, or a protector part that was needed at one time. 

 A voice from a caregiver?

When we are young, we may be told to be quiet, be nice, etc. We may have been yelled at for having emotions. Or we may hear the adults around us talking negatively about themselves or the other parent. When we are kids, we do not have the same sense of self as when we are adults. We do not see ourselves as separate from our caregivers. So, we internalize the voices around us in a different way than we would if we were hearing the same thing as an adult.  It is not only parents but any adult in the place of authority, including religious figures.

Society?

We live in a society with many expectations about who we are supposed to be or how we should act. These expectations are strongly or subtly relayed to us. It may be very real that we need to follow them to not be made fun of or attacked. This might be because of oppression of an identity we hold.

Protector?

 In the case of trauma, there are parts of us that develop to keep us alive. There may be a voice that yells at someone to keep them from having anger or holding a boundary in order to keep them safe. It may tell them they deserve the harm to keep them from getting angry at another when it is not safe to. 

What now?

If we are an adult in a ‘safe enough’ space, then we can start to bring awareness to this voice in a different way. We can explore our relationship with the voice. I did not say get rid of it. We do not want to fight with it. What we fight will often fight back stronger. Fighting is exhausting. And honestly, it is not actually the voice that causes harm. 

The pain comes from our reaction to it, our habitual belief in it, our pushing away from it, and our fight with it. It is the conflict between this voice and other parts of ourselves that causes pain. Try noticing the voice with curiosity. Does it sound familiar? Are there sensations in your body that go along with the voice?

How does shifting from fighting it or hiding from it, impact you? How does the use of curiosity and inquiry shift things? 

Is there a possibility that it protected you at one time? Can you be curious? It is not helpful for me to tell you it has helped you. I do not know. Did it? This is a place to explore in a journal, in meditation, with a trusted therapist, teacher, or healer. 

If you recognize it for having protected you at one point, does that shift anything in your felt experience of it? With that understanding, does your body feel different?

If it was a protector at one point, the next step is to question, do I need that protection in the same way now? Maybe and maybe not. Can you hear that voice, recognize what its intention is, and let it know that you no longer need to be protected in that way? 

Can you allow the voice to be there without pushing it away, letting it take over, or fighting with it?

Pushing it away may look like being overly busy, people-pleasing, running on adrenaline, or being held back by perfectionism. 

Letting it take over might look like fully believing what it is telling you without questions. Letting it take over, also means making decisions and actions from the place of believing what the voice tells us about ourselves.  

Fighting with it might look like going back and forth internally with it in an aggressive, exhausting way. 

One part of the relationship to the voice that causes us harm is when we hear the voice which is painful itself and then beat ourselves up for still having this voice even after all the self-work we have done. Can you be with this voice without beating yourself up for having it?  You are human and it would be rare to not have this voice no matter how much self-work you have done.

Giving it space can be scary. I'm not asking you to let it take over, internally beat you up, or sit with it all day and night. Just to shift into noticing it with a quality of curiosity and inquiry. 

You do not have to stay stuck in this inner fight. Even if the voice has been there for as long as you can remember. Tracking your felt experience in your body during the day and playing with the idea, that what this voice tells you about yourself may not be a fact about yourself is a wonderful place to start the healing journey. 

Feeling like you need more support?