Is grief the same as sadness?

The dictionary’s definition of grief is “deep sorrow especially caused by someones death.” The naming of sorrow without including other emotions shows our culture’s misconception and oversimplification of grief.

The sadness in grief is often deep but it is only one part of an often more complex grieving experience. What are some of the other experiences that show up in grief?

Shutting down or numbing: Because the emotions that come with grief can feel gut wrenching or overwhelming, we might experience a numbing or shutting down. Our systems are wired to only handle so much. If our nervous system is overwhelmed, we might feel shut down or cut off from ourself. This is ok. This is our body protecting us. There are ways to safety to decrease the overwhelm to be able to safely experience and allow the movement of emotions as part of the healing process.

Anger: This may be anger at god. Anger at the person who died, hurt or left us. Anger at the world. Anger at ourself. Working with a therapist to allow the anger in a safe way often allows movement in emotions. It widens our capacity to safely touch into our pain in a more clear and less overwhelming way. We can have our anger without getting stuck in it.

Reflection: Grief can bring questions about our lives and what matters to us. We are not permanent and our often fast-paced lives can often mask that this is a truth. A death or loss can bring our impermanence into focus. It can open a space for re-assessing how we want to show up in life

Regret: In our grief, we often forget that we didn’t know then what we know now. Allowing this truth is important in decreasing self-blame.

Wrestling with the unknown: The unknowns that come with death or endings can be difficult to manage. This is where we want to fill in the gaps. Sometimes, anything feels better than the unknown. We have to be careful to not fill the unknown with an untrue negative belief about ourself or the world to fill the gap.

Joy: Grief can hold positive emotions. Enjoying memories and laughing about the past is part of grieving. We can be in pain and celebrate at the same time.

Disbelief/shock: It can be difficult to accept the loss. Acceptance does not mean that it should have happened. This is especially true if it was traumatic or or early ending. Acceptance is allowing what has happened to settle in a more embodied, felt way. This is more than rational and can take time. Our body and other parts take longer to catch up. We can know something rationally and still struggle with it being true at a deep level.

Conflicting feelings: You can be very hurt by someone and love them at the same time.  You can know they were doing their best and feel deep pain connected to their actions. While we remember the positive parts of who has passed or left, we also often remember how we might have been hurt or painful relational dynamics.

Isolation: American culture often doesn’t not offer the support and community that are available naturally in other cultures. You do not have to be alone in your grief. Find a therapist to work through the many emotions that comes with grief, or find  community through a spiritual center, support group or by being with close friends and family.

Another implied misconception is that grief is a short-lived experience. Three bereavement days from work is often the amount given when someone close to us passes. This implies that we grieve quickly and then move on.

I would argue that we don’t “get over it” and move on, but we learn how to move forward with our grief. Being deeply rooted in our life and allowing our grief at the same time is possible.

Grief is so much more than sadness. If you are grieving, I hope this reminder supports you to allow patience and grace with yourself as you move through the process. I also hope it softens any feelings of shame about asking for help.

Feeling like you might need some support?