Trauma and Spiritual Bypassing

Hey there! This blog includes content involving sexual trauma. If that is not something that would be supportive to read about, take care of yourself, skip it and scroll on over to one of my other posts!

I work with many clients who would describe themselves as being on a healing journey. Some would call what they are on as a spiritual path. With this, often comes introspection and exploration of taking responsibility for one's life - which I love and support. 

What I can’t support is when the exploration of taking responsibility in the name of healing turns into victim blaming and dismissal of very real, devastating experiences.  

I can’t tell you how many stories I hear of survivors being asked what “their part” was in sexual trauma. They might be asked questions like what did they need to learn as part of their healing? What bigger meaning was the experience trying to show them? What belief might they have that needs to be worked through? 

I am assuming that asking these questions is a mis-guided way of trying to support the person to step into their power and to know that they have choices in their life. It might be a way of trying to ease the pain of what happened through meaning making of something that makes no sense. 

The problem is, not having a choice and being powerless is what makes sexual trauma a violation. Being told you had a choice and had responsibility in what happened on top of NOT having a choice or power is dangerous. 

Trauma on its own causes confusion, self-blame, and shame. And confusion, shame and self-blame grow even more when responsibility is distorted through these questions.

One term in the healing community that comes to mind is spiritual bypassing. Spiritual bypassing is when spiritual explanations are used to dismiss very real, often devastating  experiences. It is often a way to try to make meaning of something that doesn't make sense. It is often used to feel control where there is no control.  It is used to avoid pain. People use spiritual bypassing to soften emotion all the time and it is sometimes needed to not feel completely overwhelmed. But It bothers me when it is someone putting their own spiritual bypassing onto someone else’s experience “in the name of healing”. 

Life holds experiences that are painful, devastating and shouldn’t happen. Being with that truth is uncomfortable and painful. It should be uncomfortable and painful because the violation was so much more than uncomfortable and painful. It was devastating and harmful. Portraying it as anything different is a dismissal of what happened and does not allow space for very justified emotions. It does not allow for the reality of very real injustices and oppressions in life.  

Naming that someone did not have any responsibility or part in what happened does not mean they do not have choice and responsibility in their life. It is important for survivors to have choice and responsibility in how they want to move forward in their life. This is where the conversations and exploration of choice and responsibility can be supportive and needed. This is where the exploration of what matters in life or what values the survivor wants to move forward with is crucial. 

But not then, not when something so devastating as sexual trauma happened. Because there was no choice. And as painful as it is to be clear about the lack of control one can have in their life - it needs to be said. It needs to be said so that the psychological, physical, emotional and spiritual effects of trauma can be met and tended to without the additional self-blame and confusion that comes with spiritual bypassing.